The other day, just before finding out my baby girl’s fever had spiked to 105 and we had to take her to the emergency room, I was in a panic over how I would handle all other aspects of my life since this is the most sick she has ever been… My mom helps every time the baby isn’t feeling well, so that I can go about my life and tend to the other things in peace, knowing that my little love is being taken care of by the only person I really trust.
Well, as fate would have it, my mom went out of town for a much-needed vacation just as we coincidentally heard from the doctor that the baby needed to be home for at least a week.
So what’s a girl to do?
Well – as I lay in the emergency room with my babe, covered from head to toe in her vomit, it hit me instantly…
I wouldn’t have it any other way – I wasn’t leaving her side.
No matter what it took, no matter how hard the struggle, I was going to be her mommy first.
In fact, I felt proud in that moment to have overcome my fear of vomit-smell simply because of how much I love this child.
I felt proud to no longer worry about my freshly blown-out hair each time this child buries her sweet little head in it, using it as a tissue for her eternally runny nose.
I now feel proud to boldly announce, I AM A MOMMY FIRST, when the issue of having to drop everything to take care of my helpless, feverish, infant arises.
I have been sitting in silence since Tuesday evening. I have barely been able to answer the phone for fear of waking the child who will only sleep on my chest until she gets better. I am typing this with one hand, actually, which is pretty amazing in itself.
I have also been texting with one hand, writing lesson plans for work with one hand, making bottles with one hand, feeding my dog with one hand, all because, since Tuesday night, I can’t put her down. She won’t let me, and I sure as hell do NOT want to.
My shirt is soaked through with all sorts of funky stuff. I have snot in my hair, and I don’t care. I have so much laundry that needs to be done, a pile of baby photos that needs to be sorted, dishes that need to be put away…
But I have her, on me, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
This morning, when she woke up with another miserable fever – her daddy comforted her a bit and then handed her over to me. Instantly, she buried her snotty nose and watery eyes into my neck, into that place that gives her so much comfort. She stroked my face with her little warm hand and I felt the heat from her body burning into mine. I kissed her gently on the head and then she looked up and stared at me really intently – as if to say,
“THANK YOU, for being my mommy first.”