I Owe You One, 2015

I began 2015 anxious, excited, nervous. With a belly 9-months full of love, I had no clue what was about to happen to me. I hadn’t the slightest idea that my world, my being, my existence – would be shaken to it’s core, flipped upside down, turned inside out and all around again.

I just simply thought, “I’m having a baby.”
Silly, silly me.
Three weeks into this year, I had my baby, alright.
At 8:34am on Monday, January 26th, she came into this world, eyes open and peering straight into mine, instantly reaching out for me, with a cry that sounded a hell of a lot like, “Buckle up, guys – Bella has ARRIVED.”
All six pounds and nine ounces of her seemed to carry this magical force. She seemed filled with intent, determination and purpose from the moment we met – and oozing with love and sweetness. So much like the man she was named for – a grandfather she would never meet.
11 months later, as I look back on the year that is now getting ready for closing time, it’s hard to find the words to even describe what 2015 has meant for me.
 Yes, it was amazing. It was absolutely the best. The most significant. Like the strongest mind-altering substance you can imagine that gives you that really good high – the kind that never goes away.
But none of these words or metaphors really does it any justice.
Here’s why 2015 was every bit the most life-changing, mind-altering year of my existence:
I found my purpose. My purpose was her. Motherhood. To finally transfer the obscene amount of love in my heart to the being that I created.
I learned. I started the year unknowing, unaware, and lacking confidence. With the power of motherhood, I learned the power to nurture. The power that my body possesses. The strength that comes with taking care of the being I created.
I became a superhero. Supermom, actually. At least I felt like one. Navigating the throes of new motherhood while balancing my marriage, friendships, work and everyday life -shit, I should be earning a Nobel Peace Prize.
I said goodbye. To a past full of pain and struggle. To the 31 years prior that made me question my worth. To anyone and anything that no longer served a positive purpose in my new, little, happy world – because nothing else really mattered but us now anyway.
I watched my marriage solidify. You never really know how much you love a person until you see them crying tears of joy for the life he helped you to create. Until you learn to be parents together. Until you both speak the same unspoken language of love for something else. Until it becomes clear that this REALLY is your person, your meant-to-be experience in the short time you’re given on this planet to love so hard it hurts to breathe.
I found my voice – and with that I found ME. And with that, I found my confidence. Something I had been searching for my entire life. Something I thought I was destined to live a life without.
So 2015, I say thank you. I say “I don’t know what I would have done without you!”
As I kiss my husband tonight at the stroke of midnight, peer in on my (hopefully sleeping) little one, hug my friends and welcome in the start of a fresh, new year, I’ll do it without the anxiousness or nerves or even the excitement that I started this year with.
Because I am not asking much of 2016. Nothing more than “Please let me keep enjoying what I’ve already got.”
Because 2015 gave me all I need and more – I’ve got no need for anything else. I owe you one, 2015.
Happy New Year!

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