For all the money in the world, I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried…
The morning that I have just barely survived needs to be turned into a movie called:
“I am not in my right mind, and this is why” or “Wine is for Mommies” or EVEN
“A fist full of crap”…
Basically, my morning with my two children was a literal SHIT show.
First I MUST tell you that I have a cold, of course I do, why wouldn’t I? My cell phone and iPad are a petri dish of bacteria thanks to these kids (I swear I must have the cure for at least one disease sitting on my screen) but I digress.
Ever hear the expression: don’t count your chickens before they hatch? Yep – never did I know this to be more true than it was this morning.
I started my morning unusually optimistic and punctual today. My 2-year-old son and my 5-year-old daughter and I are actually making good time this morning. We are all set for school, on our way out the door and I’m even carrying everything we need without breaking a sweat. We head downstairs to the parking lot, the birds are singing, the sun is shining, life is good and as I proceed to strap my son into his car seat I catch a whiff of something so pungent that actually penetrates my air tight, 100% no getting through, severely congested nostrils.
This was bad.
I proceed to do the CIA-status “diaper peep” which is usually highly insulting to my 2-year-old when he is “clean” but this time, when my index finger barely brushed the top of his diaper, I found that was already knuckle deep in what can only be described as the most heinous explosion of shit ever.
At this point I have shit on my hand but my hopes and dreams have not yet been shitted on. I still believe that we can make it to school on time, because I am a MOM goddammit and I have pushed through worse! I decided to lay my kid inside the trunk to change his diaper and keep it moving. (Come on, you know you’ve done it too). My daughter is completely oblivious to what is going on, she has no idea that this morning is slowly deteriorating in the worst way – because as long as she has the iPad the world can legit crumble around her but make no mistake, she will know how to do an Elsa braid and Monster High makeup like nobody’s business.
So back to the trunk, I proceed to assess the “shituation”, he has shit all the way up to his uniform shirt, his shorts are completely compromised, and as I try to clean him up to the best of my ability, I realize I am now running out of wipes and he has smeared shit all over my trunk. I use my last wipe, and bare hand to get him mostly clean but at this point I have no choice but to confess to my daughter that I am taking him upstairs to change and wash up. Don’t worry, she barely flinched.
I turn around to get my son and he is riding his scooter naked in the parking lot of my condo, swear to god. You see, in order to lay him in the trunk I had to take his scooter out to make room, so when I pulled him out of the trunk he was face to face with his scooter and because why not?
HE RODE NAKED THROUGH THE PARKING LOT OF MY SOUTH FLORIDA CONDO.
So I grabbed him by the shirt, almost flung him up the stairs to our second floor condo with very little tact or grace. I placed him on the hallway floor to fish my keys out of my pocket and unlock the door on to turn around and find that he is peeing in my building hallway. PEEING! 😩 WTF!! Seriously?
Oh my god. Okay, lets get this over with Adrian. Let’s get you cleaned up, dressed all over again and back in the car so that we can MAYBE get to school on time. I wash him from head to toe, put a new uniform shirt on, shorts, socks and we are out the door, yes! Finally! We are late but not embarrassingly late…except I just locked myself out of the apartment.
AS TOLD, VERBATIM, BY CONTRIBUTING WRITER PATRICIA PACHECO VILLAZON. Patricia is a full-time mama and lives a much less shitty life than described. She calls Miami her home and Colombia her roots. She’s got a passion for all things “creative”.
Check her out on Instagram @pattyp444