“You look SO happy now!”
Really? So what did I look before? Don’t answer that.
I’ve become desensitized to this, “you look so happy,” observation because frankly- I’ve heard it enough times for the word “happy” to sound like white noise at this point. Just another word in my overly verbose life.
But when I really think about it, like, stand-in-the-shower-lost-in-thought think about it, I totally get why this comment is consistently being thrown in my direction.
For me, life was not always as, “figured out*” as it is today. For so long, I was aboard the hot-mess-express to nowhere, always lost in my overly-analytical and anxious brain.
I was painfully indecisive, unsure, and unable to advocate for myself or my opinions. I didn’t know what I wanted, where I was going, or even worse, what even made me happy.
I was, essentially, the quintessential “little girl lost”.
Okay, well, I worked past all that, landed myself a damn good man, an incredible daughter, a home to call my own, and a life that just “works”.
Maybe it’s the shock from people who knew me from “before” feel when they bump into the new and improved version of myself that I’ve unknowingly created. Or maybe, just maybe, this “happiness” I now radiate so strongly is more just the appreciation of learning what life really is all about.
Yes, it’s definitely that.
Acquiring this husband/child/life of mine was NOT the elimination of all things “unhappy”. I didn’t pop out a baby and push out all my anxiety with her. Quite honestly, the stress of this new life is more overwhelming than ever. More bills, more responsibility, more to argue about, blah blah blah.
But that’s because there’s so much realness in my life now. So much at stake. So much to be thankful for. And that’s where you learn that you’ve got so much more than you ever dreamed possible – and you better just SHUT UP and be happy.
It’s the realization that I am somebody’s everything now. There is a little one-year-old life depending on me for literally everything, and my heart is so full at the the thought of that. It’s FINALLY coming to the realization that tomorrow is not promised, and it could all be gone in an instant – and that would really, really suck. It’s having two lives living under this roof with me that make life worth living for. That make putting myself through the stress of everyday life worth every ounce of hard work and sacrifice. It’s finally learning, after 32 years, what makes ME happy, and that I have to make each moment count, forget the bullshit, focus on what really matters and keep things totally in perspective.
And that, my friends, is where happiness comes from.